9.30.15 Last day of the month....in need of training...still

Last day of the month and i will be meeting Master in person IN 2 FREAKIN' DAYS. i think i'm seriously making myself sick over the nerves. On top of it, my punishment for what i did over the weekend is having to pick out my own outfit for when i see Him. As if i don't stress myself out enough. What do i wear? The weather isn't looking so good so He may get to meet the Lion King. Great! Rawr! :(

So i am not sure i've succeeded in being exactly who Master intends me to be. Seems i need a bit more training. i still get hurt and offended when people say things to me. i think because they offer an opinion on something they don't like me. Am i still that insecure that this is still happening? Why am i so insecure? i don't know what to do to change that? i know this will have to be discussed with Him. He always makes things right.

9.28.15 Stuff

so still no punishment yet for the weekend mess up. i'm holding my breath. Perhaps He is waiting to give it to me on Friday when i see  Him.

i'm starting to get a little nervous about Friday now. i'm trying to ignore it. i'm sure as i drive to where we are meeting i'll pass out. When i get nervous i talk alot. i hope i don't do that! Ugh. i'm thinking of all of the things i shouldn't do now!

i was talking to my friend last night, the one i told i was a submissive to and is aware of Master. He was concerned for me last night asking how Master has punished me in the past. i gave Him some examples that weren't even harsh and He said He could never do any of that. He thought it was wrong that Master would punish me in such manners. Personally i could honestly see how someone would think that, but what they don't know or understand is how very well i am taken care of. How i am just punished because someone cares for me and is concerned for my well being. He protects me. When i do something that puts me in danger, He just reminds me that i need to be smarter, so i am punished. Its used as a reminder not to do it again. Perhaps its just the dynamic that my friend doesn't understand. i'm not sure this is something that could be explained. Can it be learned? i'm not sure about that either. i think you have to have it in you to be dominant or submissive, or anything else for that matter. You can learn to be someone else, i do guess, but would you be happy?

9.28.15 Disappointing Master

One of my rules is not to give my phone number out to anyone unless approved. i disobeyed that rule this weekend while i was dropping. i was looking for attention, wrongly.

Since then the numbers have been blocked, but i know that He was disappointed with me. i still haven't received my punishment, but in truth i already have.

9.28.15 Emotional weekend

So on top of me dropping, my town has faced a horrific tragedy. my emotions have been all over the place these last few days.

A very young man died a accidental death and the entire community has been affected. It has truly been overwhelmingly amazing how much support the community has been given.

Makes me think how lucky i am to be owned and truly cared for. Initially when Master told me that i would be punished for my mistakes that i made when i was dropping i was upset. i'm not now. i'm lucky to have someone that cares for me and wants to protect me enough to punish me when i do not do the right thing. Granted it wasn't on purpose, but that's not the point right now.

Sunday today.........He's coming so soon.

9.26.15 Still dropping

i was given permission not to blog Friday.

FriDAY was AMAZINGLY AWESOME and was also the "darkest" Master has ever taken me. But wow the drop was waaaay different. i was more confused and out of it than ever before, and for much longer. i was also needing attention and made some mistakes that i've been told i will be punished for. Still up for discussion i think though????? At least i hope.

i'm trying not to think about how soon He will be in front of me. It will consume me. i'm sure as the week goes on i won't be able to control my thoughts though.......................

9.24.15 One week...almost

Almost just a week until Master and i see each other in person.

i have to be completely honest. i have no idea on how to be, how to "act". What is proper etiquette here? Is it just nerves over seeing Him in person for the first time? i'm sure my stomach will be in knots all next week. But.....i CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

It will be the happiest day of my life as well as one that will hurt me deeply. It will be so hard to watch Him leave wondering when i will see Him again.

i have no doubt i will be talking about this until next Friday.........

i'm also hoping that Master will allow me to cum tomorrow. i will be home and will have time. my body needs it, badly. i feel like its been long, for a good one anyway. He allowed me to cum on Monday in the shower. Was NOTHING compared to what He has me do. i need what He does to me. Its like a drug. i crave it. i'm a bit selfish because i always want more and more.

9.23.15 Dating resolved

Quite a day.

This whole dating thing has been quite an issue. Master resolved it today.

Have to explain this first though. i've been extremely stressed out over this dating thing and my best friend helped me understand why last night. First i think she was a bit taken back that i hadn't shared with her that i had gone out. She had every right to be hurt. She is my best friend for a reason and i should have shared with her what was going on in my life. i was mistaken, won't happen again, but let me explain why.

i felt ashamed. i felt like i was failing Master so i was keeping what i was doing a secret (no, not from Him, but from everyone else).

i need to be around people. So when Master told me that i could not date it was a true struggle for me. One because (i won't use hands today), i enjoy company, and two it was something He wanted. i will always obey because He knows what is best for me, but it was very hard. One of the hardest things i've ever done. He knew that i needed time to be alone before i went out again. He wanted me to become a stronger person. Say no when i need to. Although we might still have to work on that???? Yikes.

Back to the story. So last night my best friend told me that i want to go out NOT to replace Master, but just for company. SO TRUE! It was the perfect explanation of the conflict that was going on in my head. i didn't want Master to think that i was looking for a replacement. i'm not. i NEED HIM. i am nothing without Him. Really nothing.

So today Master explained that for me needing company is like breathing and eating. He's right. i do need people around me. i am very much a people person. He will allow me to "date". The physical aspect of dating will be discussed. i'm assuming what He will allow and what He won't of course. And that is completely fine with me. At first i was a little hurt that He was going to allow me to go out with other men, but then He further explained that He understands that it is something that i need. He says its natural for people to be around others and it's healthy mentally. Some days i just want to be saved for Him, but other days i really do need a bit of physical contact. We all know in reality its just Him that i really want. i guess in these LDR's we all do what we think our Masters know best.

So it's been resolved for now and we will take each person as they come.

I also want to mention this......

i read a really good article on Fet today. It fit into what has been going on in my mind lately with all this stuff. Someone had said that you don't have to be a submissive to everyone, we are not doormats. The only person who have to submit too is your Master..........and He is the only will i will ever submit to. i'm just His.