9.30.15 Last day of the month....in need of training...still

Last day of the month and i will be meeting Master in person IN 2 FREAKIN' DAYS. i think i'm seriously making myself sick over the nerves. On top of it, my punishment for what i did over the weekend is having to pick out my own outfit for when i see Him. As if i don't stress myself out enough. What do i wear? The weather isn't looking so good so He may get to meet the Lion King. Great! Rawr! :(

So i am not sure i've succeeded in being exactly who Master intends me to be. Seems i need a bit more training. i still get hurt and offended when people say things to me. i think because they offer an opinion on something they don't like me. Am i still that insecure that this is still happening? Why am i so insecure? i don't know what to do to change that? i know this will have to be discussed with Him. He always makes things right.

9.28.15 Stuff

so still no punishment yet for the weekend mess up. i'm holding my breath. Perhaps He is waiting to give it to me on Friday when i see  Him.

i'm starting to get a little nervous about Friday now. i'm trying to ignore it. i'm sure as i drive to where we are meeting i'll pass out. When i get nervous i talk alot. i hope i don't do that! Ugh. i'm thinking of all of the things i shouldn't do now!

i was talking to my friend last night, the one i told i was a submissive to and is aware of Master. He was concerned for me last night asking how Master has punished me in the past. i gave Him some examples that weren't even harsh and He said He could never do any of that. He thought it was wrong that Master would punish me in such manners. Personally i could honestly see how someone would think that, but what they don't know or understand is how very well i am taken care of. How i am just punished because someone cares for me and is concerned for my well being. He protects me. When i do something that puts me in danger, He just reminds me that i need to be smarter, so i am punished. Its used as a reminder not to do it again. Perhaps its just the dynamic that my friend doesn't understand. i'm not sure this is something that could be explained. Can it be learned? i'm not sure about that either. i think you have to have it in you to be dominant or submissive, or anything else for that matter. You can learn to be someone else, i do guess, but would you be happy?

9.28.15 Disappointing Master

One of my rules is not to give my phone number out to anyone unless approved. i disobeyed that rule this weekend while i was dropping. i was looking for attention, wrongly.

Since then the numbers have been blocked, but i know that He was disappointed with me. i still haven't received my punishment, but in truth i already have.

9.28.15 Emotional weekend

So on top of me dropping, my town has faced a horrific tragedy. my emotions have been all over the place these last few days.

A very young man died a accidental death and the entire community has been affected. It has truly been overwhelmingly amazing how much support the community has been given.

Makes me think how lucky i am to be owned and truly cared for. Initially when Master told me that i would be punished for my mistakes that i made when i was dropping i was upset. i'm not now. i'm lucky to have someone that cares for me and wants to protect me enough to punish me when i do not do the right thing. Granted it wasn't on purpose, but that's not the point right now.

Sunday today.........He's coming so soon.

9.26.15 Still dropping

i was given permission not to blog Friday.

FriDAY was AMAZINGLY AWESOME and was also the "darkest" Master has ever taken me. But wow the drop was waaaay different. i was more confused and out of it than ever before, and for much longer. i was also needing attention and made some mistakes that i've been told i will be punished for. Still up for discussion i think though????? At least i hope.

i'm trying not to think about how soon He will be in front of me. It will consume me. i'm sure as the week goes on i won't be able to control my thoughts though.......................

9.24.15 One week...almost

Almost just a week until Master and i see each other in person.

i have to be completely honest. i have no idea on how to be, how to "act". What is proper etiquette here? Is it just nerves over seeing Him in person for the first time? i'm sure my stomach will be in knots all next week. But.....i CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

It will be the happiest day of my life as well as one that will hurt me deeply. It will be so hard to watch Him leave wondering when i will see Him again.

i have no doubt i will be talking about this until next Friday.........

i'm also hoping that Master will allow me to cum tomorrow. i will be home and will have time. my body needs it, badly. i feel like its been long, for a good one anyway. He allowed me to cum on Monday in the shower. Was NOTHING compared to what He has me do. i need what He does to me. Its like a drug. i crave it. i'm a bit selfish because i always want more and more.

9.23.15 Dating resolved

Quite a day.

This whole dating thing has been quite an issue. Master resolved it today.

Have to explain this first though. i've been extremely stressed out over this dating thing and my best friend helped me understand why last night. First i think she was a bit taken back that i hadn't shared with her that i had gone out. She had every right to be hurt. She is my best friend for a reason and i should have shared with her what was going on in my life. i was mistaken, won't happen again, but let me explain why.

i felt ashamed. i felt like i was failing Master so i was keeping what i was doing a secret (no, not from Him, but from everyone else).

i need to be around people. So when Master told me that i could not date it was a true struggle for me. One because (i won't use hands today), i enjoy company, and two it was something He wanted. i will always obey because He knows what is best for me, but it was very hard. One of the hardest things i've ever done. He knew that i needed time to be alone before i went out again. He wanted me to become a stronger person. Say no when i need to. Although we might still have to work on that???? Yikes.

Back to the story. So last night my best friend told me that i want to go out NOT to replace Master, but just for company. SO TRUE! It was the perfect explanation of the conflict that was going on in my head. i didn't want Master to think that i was looking for a replacement. i'm not. i NEED HIM. i am nothing without Him. Really nothing.

So today Master explained that for me needing company is like breathing and eating. He's right. i do need people around me. i am very much a people person. He will allow me to "date". The physical aspect of dating will be discussed. i'm assuming what He will allow and what He won't of course. And that is completely fine with me. At first i was a little hurt that He was going to allow me to go out with other men, but then He further explained that He understands that it is something that i need. He says its natural for people to be around others and it's healthy mentally. Some days i just want to be saved for Him, but other days i really do need a bit of physical contact. We all know in reality its just Him that i really want. i guess in these LDR's we all do what we think our Masters know best.

So it's been resolved for now and we will take each person as they come.

I also want to mention this......

i read a really good article on Fet today. It fit into what has been going on in my mind lately with all this stuff. Someone had said that you don't have to be a submissive to everyone, we are not doormats. The only person who have to submit too is your Master..........and He is the only will i will ever submit to. i'm just His.

9.22.14 So much to catch up on and dam dating

i have so much reading to catch up on on Fet. It looks like there are some good feeds i should be reading but i just haven't had the time. Maybe tomorrow at work. Why are there so many personal ads also? i've seen a ton.

Master and i spoke about my finances today. He is going to be sending me something to keep track of them on. i know it will help. i look forward to it. i hate being so stressed out over it. i shouldn't be stressed about it either because it is something Master controls and i have no say over it so it shouldn't matter anyway. my dear friend reminded me of that.

So this "dating" thing rears its ugly head again. i spoke with my bff about it today and explained to her how i felt. As always, she explains things good. She is very very good at that. Anyway, so she explains these "dates" as just company. It was a completely perfect. Then Master said He felt it was fine because He doesn't want me to sit home alone while He is not around. On one hand (here we are with hands again), i am glad that i have permission to go out, and the other hand sorta wanted Him to say it will never happen. That i am for Him only. Which is the only thing i want to be. It's quite the contradiction. i need to talk to Him more about this so i can understand what He is thinking.

Honestly this sucks................................

9.21.15 Talking to Master about some changes after we meet

So happy it's Monday and i am back to my normal. i really hate the weekends. i know initially it was harder on me and its become a lot easier, but that doesn't mean i have to like them.

Anyway, i sent Master a long email this weekend about this dating site and how its been making me feel. i think He is going to allow a bit of "dating". He will make His decision and what the rules will be after we meet. To be honest, i was surprised He didn't just make me delete the profile. But on the other hand, He does know how physically lonely i am, so maybe He thinks this will help. And on yet another hand (how many hands are we up to?), He could just force the female issue. Which He said we will also discuss after we meet. i think He may end up pushing that. He knows its been something i've wanted. Problem is finding someone........Guess i will see after we meet.

i'm meeting someone else tonight that Master approved. i have rules for when i go out and He knows i will abide by them.

In all honesty, i'd just rather  pack my stuff up and move to Him. He's the only entity that has ever really truly made me happy.

9.20.15 Realized what else is bothering me

Aside from my finances, i am stressed about this "vanilla dating" site my friends put me on. It's making me feel lonely.

i've gotten some requests and of course i can't go because i am not allowed. Which is fine, i am not complaining about that at all. i will always do whatever Master requires or demands.

i want to know how others in a LDR handle this. The physical aspect. When the sub is not allowed to be physical with anyone. How does that itch get scratched? i know for me running helps. Perhaps i should pick up a few more miles?

Maybe i'm just craving some pain. i do have times like that. Where i need it.

Maybe its just the knowledge of seeing Him in less than 2 weeks now. Knowing i can be touched then. i won't be physically alone. i'm continuously getting chocked up. i need a very good hard long cry before He comes. Maybe i won't cry then???? Yea right..............................

9.19.15 Blah

i'm so tired i don't even want to research anything to write about, or write about how i am feeling.

i am insanely tired. i'm thinking i should get permission to take one of my sleeping pills. Just hate taking them, to be honest. All i want is a day to do nothing but lay in bed. Well not all i want.....

Master has me doing a weekly thing for Him now. Nothing serious, fun stuff. Very simple. Honestly i really like doing it because its something i'm doing for Him. i like doing things for Him. He does so much for me, that when i get an opportunity to do for Him i jump at the chance and also make sure i do it as best that i can.

i've been stressed about money. Something Master and i need to discuss next week. Seems i can't get ahead. i have big expenses coming up and i have no way to pay for them. Master suggested something  part time, but we've yet to discuss that yet. i dread the financial conversation. Not because i've spent money on something that wasn't allowed, just in general.

9.18.15 Discussion of our meet

i am not sure if i will be writing about meeting with Master. i may keep that to myself. i know its going to be very personal and i may want to keep it that way.

So 2 exact weeks from today i will be physically meeting Him. i will be standing in front of Him. i cannot explain in words all of the emotions that i feel. Excited, nervous, etc. the list goes on. i am also a little down. i am already getting emotional about Him leaving me. i can feel the emotion building up in my throat. i know i will be a mess when He leaves. The emotional connection that i have for Him will be enhanced and for Him to be removed from me will hurt. He knows this already. Clearly He knows me very very well.

Last night Master asked what my expectations were and if i had any questions and asked me to think about them over night so we could discuss them today. i think the discussion is done and i know what to expect. i would much rather go into seeing Him knowing what is going to happen then not. Like i've said, i do need to prepare myself.

i was supposed to get a tattoo today. i cancelled the appointment. In actuality i think now its best to wait to get it after i see Master. It will make what i am getting more meaningful. i do want a part of Him on me. i do have my other tattoo that He had me get, but this new one i drew specifically for Him.

9.17.15 Just some thoughts

One, i'm exhausted. Like i just want to go home and lay down exhausted but i have a ton of things i'd like to do. One of them being to run so i can get in some sort of better shape than i am now for when i physically meet Master. i am still wondering about all we will be doing.

My friendly Dom and i spoke last night and he said something about me entertaining him. i told him that that was not allowed and that i am not allowed to "play" with others. He told me he didn't mean that kind of entertainment and that he was not interested in that at all. He simply just wanted conversation. i told him i was surprised because most of the men that do talk to me just want some sort of "play". He said the mind is of more interest to him. Seems he wants to learn about my submission to Master. Seems he finds it very interesting and has commented on how i'm a rare find. Aren't all submissives like me?

So i've still been feeling a bit disconnected from Master and we did discuss this yesterday together and everything is fine (of course), but it's funny how one simple order can start bringing you back again. i like Masters orders. i need them. They make me happier. He makes me happier.

2 weeks from tomorrow..........................

9.16.15 Surreal

Soon i will be meeting Master.....i'm freakin' nervous and very excited. A gamillion things are running through my head. i'm wondering how long i will be able to spend with Him. What we will do, things like that. my body will not be where i want it to be, but i will do my best to look good for Him. i would like Him to be pleasantly surprised when He sees me in person.

i've asked Him if i can eat less until i meet Him. See what He says. Fingers crossed. Yikes!

i need to prepare dammit!!!!

9.15.15 Slow day

Master and i are kinda back to our normal again, but i am not sure that i will see Him today as i normally do. He is still very ill and i absolutely hate it. Makes me feel very helpless. i want to help. Any chance that i can help from a distance? Yea right.

i don't have much to say today...........

9.14.15 Another weekend day

It was like a long weekend today. i got a text from Master this morning. He's very sick.

i hate being unable to help take care of Him. Truly sucks.

i just continued on with my day as if it were a weekend. As i'm supposed to.

i did go out with friends but i think He would have been ok with it, so i went.

Aside from that, i recently heard a song that really reminds me of Master. Now my current favorite.

Oh, really interesting too. A Dom has contacted me and i used to be friends (rather aquantances) with his sub. Interesting what his story is versus hers. To be honest, i always pegged her as a liar. i'm not sure why he's reached out to me, but he asked me a question that i did not answer. To be honest, the answer is really is none of his business.

i hope Master feels better enough tomorrow to at least text me......i miss Him so much.

9.13.15 Readers

Whoa! i just noticed how many people have read my posts.

i am in shock. i am thrilled. i am shy! LOL.

My BFF says that she wishes that she could write how i do. To be completely honest with you, when i write this i write it like no one reads it. Like it will just be Master looking.  i don't write like i know others will be reading. i don't hold back any emotion. All of that is here laid out.

i do hope that you enjoy what you read and i also hope that it is helpful, if not amusing or interesting!

i need to talk to Master about a few things tomorrow. A few have asked me to meet them from that site i mentioned in a past blog. i would like to go to get out, but just to go and get out.  Perhaps create a friendship, but nothing else. i know in my heart that there is no way that i would be in another vanilla relationship. Its just not where i am happy. The only place i have ever truly been happy is with Master. That is the only place that i will ever want to be. Just with Him. Only. In a few weeks i will be meeting Himf or the first time. i want to talk about that, just not today. i have so many emotions that go along with it. Part of me is a bit reserved to discuss it.......

9.12.15 Came across this today

Was reorganizing my place and came across this. i do not take credit for the words, but it's beautiful:

Take me as i am and i will submit to your dominance.
For you are my Master, therefore i shall be your submissive.
We shall have no secrets, thus making the bond unbreakable.
Till the day i cease to please you so.
For you are my Master and i your humble sub for all time.

Those words speak for themselves. The tight and amazing connection between Master and sub.

9.11.15 Extreme

Couple of extremes....

Can't believe it was so long ago now that the US was attacked. As all of us, i will never forget a single second of that day. From what i wore, the kind of day it was and what i thought on my way to work, and what happened later that morning, afternoon, night and evening. i remember the quiet all around me, no planes, quiet tears, and the love and affection we all gave each other during this horrible time. i cannot thank the people enough that helped us, fought for us and protect us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i had a very amazing day with Master. He has made me feel incredible. He brought me to that place i love to go. i like to call it a "dark place", but it's not dark at all. Its just how it makes my eyes feel that way so that's why i call it that. i like calling it that for some reason. i'm not sure why. i like giving "that place" a name. Maybe i like calling it a dark place because it's a place that i don't remember or think of things that are bothering me because they are all hidden in the dark while i'm enjoying the peace? i love that.

Master had me start with my plug, the large one, then continued on with clamps and then the wand and then more pain. i wanted more pain and i asked for it. He approved and i got what i had asked for. It's the pain that brings me to the dark place. Master says He would like to bring me there more often and i asked if i could. i just am not a humongous fan of coming back. my brain gets hazy and foggy, i get cold. my eyes feel weird for a bit. Very heavy. It's all hard to explain.

On our call this afternoon, i thanked Him for what He did to me, as i always do. He says He really enjoys it to and that pleases me because all i want is for Him to be happy.

9.10.15 My day was...

interesting, lets say.

For one, Master allowed me to friend a Dom on Yahoo Messenger. i was very apprehensive at first because usually when most men, Dom or not, contact me, it's for one thing only. The world revolves around sex, no? i often wonder what happened to more men being like Master. A true gentleman. Anyway, off subject.......so this Dom and i spoke a good part of the day about various things. Some of his questions made me feel uncomfortable. i think they did because i felt pressured because he is a Dom and i didn't want to appear disrespectful by not answering or by giving the wrong answer. Honestly, i didn't want him to yell at me either. Strange.

Toward the end of the day a small group of people walked into my office that smelled horribly overwhelming of smoke. Now i will say this. i used to smoke years ago. About 12 years ago actually. i stopped, thankfully. i always enjoyed it and only quit for a specific reason. Usually the smell does not bother me, but this smell was so strong it immediately gave me a migraine. Not only did they come to the office once, and spent some time, but twice! Then, as one of them were filling out some paperwork, they happened to mention they spent some time in jail! Holy Crap! Seriously???? A friend of mine was concerned for my safety. Luckily we've installed panic buttons in my office. But yikes! Unreal.

So now, here i am, at home, trying to blog with a massive migraine.

i've been excused from doing some tasks tonight, thankfully. i doubt i'd be able to handle them......

9.9.15 Messed up

Yeah, again.

i must seriously have something wrong with my brain this week.

Someone mentioned something to me that immediately set me into a panic. Master was unavailable so i couldn't ask Him immediately how to feel, so instead of waiting, i did what i used to do and panicked. Granted my brain is a little off and resettling from the lack of meds, but i still should have known better.

i deserve pain, and not the good kind. That's how bad i feel about it.

i feel i'm having a really bad week.

Also last night many men contacted me on a dating site that friends thought i needed to be on. Vanilla friends, of course. None aware of whom i belong to. i was struggling with it. Why? Because i felt like i was falling back to my old self where i need to please everyone and reply to each and every message and make everyone happy but me (but really Master now). i seriously just wanted to delete the site and go back to where i belong. Stay where i belong. i asked Master about His thoughts this morning, and He said He's doesn't want me to be on the site, but He's not against it either. What? Oxymoron? i'm a little confused still about that. He said He may allow me to see someone. He will not allow my number to be given out yet. He wants me to be safe. Thank God He is looking out for me, because i'm not so smart to take care of myself. i make huge mistakes unfortunately. i do really need Him.

i still feel very tired and my head is still in a fog. i'm also feeling dizzy again. i sincerely hope i feel better tomorrow. Master said i will.

9.8.15 Tired and talking to other men

Had to catch up on my meds today. i had to wait until i could refill my prescription to take it and then let my body catch up. i'm exhausted this afternoon. i wish i could crawl into my bed and stay for the night. i was punished for not staying up on my meds too. i had to wear my plug until i was able to take my pill.

Master has allowed me to friend a Dom on Fet. That has never happened before.

i've also met a male sub. First time for lots for me today!

my friends have also signed me up for POF because they are trying to find someone for me. Quite interesting i must say. See what happens and if Master will allow me to meet anyone.

Anyway, my body is on sensation overload. Between the pills and the reaction and edging and not being able to cum. i am alone tomorrow night for a few hours as well as all day Friday. i'll need to talk to Master about this.

i've also been giving a new order to wear my plug - large one, mind you - every night for a period of time. i'm good and eh with that. eh because it makes me horny!

gotta go....hard to think today

9.7.15 Meds

i am feeling horrible. i forgot to take my meds and had a horrible afternoon. i am spending the rest of the evening trying to recover.

i need Master and look forward to normal tomorrrow.

9.6.15 Cannot cum

Master had me edge the last 2 days and on the third day i was allowed to cum.

Couldn't do it.

i tried for what felt like forever and finally just gave up.

i don't understand why this happens. i'm disappointed.

9.5.15 Feeling better

Feeling more connected to Master today. Reading the mantra at night instead of skimming over it helped a bit. Plus i read some of His old messages that i saved. my favorites. That really helped me.

Extra tired today. All i want to do is hop on a plane and get to Him.

So less than a month and feeling gross! Awesome right? i need to get it together!

9.4.15 Connection

Master helped me understand how to handle my current stress better. He simplifies things for me so it's better for me to understand. Not that i am a dumb woman, but i get overwhelmed with all i have on my plate and Master makes it easiser for me. He is here to help me get through everything and deal with each problem as it arises. Again, i've let that fall by the wayside. Why for the love of pete can't i just remember this. How long will it be before i get it through my head? And here i say i'm not a dumb woman.  Perhaps that should be revisited.

i also haven't had any release in way over a week. i'm not just talking about a sexual one. i'm talking about a physical one, ie: working out. i feel that i should have realized that was part of my connection problem with Master. Once stress takes over, my mind wanders and i loose connection with what is best for me. Took me a week to realize it. i'm ordered to start working out again this weekend. Weather permitted or not. He's right, as always.

Long Labor Day weekend, but i will get myself back in order for Him by Tuesday.

My night routine has also been changed. i'm to read my mantra while doing the rest of the routine. i'm to read it fully, not just browse over it.

See i need the connection to Him, just as He needs me to be.

He's such a good Master. i'm so very lucky.

9.3.15 Life is taking over again

i need to talk to Master about how to handle some life issues tomorrow. i need to come up with a fall season mantra.

i can already feel myself become very tense and stressed out. i can feel it in my body and i can feel it in my face. i can also feel it how i am reacting and talking to others. None of this is good. Sometimes i need to remember to put a face on. i just need something else behind that face.

i know Master will come up with a solution for me.

Still concerned with being perfect as well................

9.2.15 One month

Ever have something big coming up, like a night out, or a wedding to go to, or a big party and know that you want to and need to prep. Yea, imagine meeting your Master for the first time. Imagine the prep there!

i have exactly one month. i am disappointed in myself for not preparing sooner. i wanted to look better. Look perfect, for Him. So how do i prepare to look perfect in four weeks? i wish someone would give me some ideas and insight. Perhaps i will ask around.

i am very nervous and excited to meet Him. i have no idea what is planned, if anything. Some days i think it would be great just to hang out and talk and other days i think it would be great just to kneel at His feet awaiting His order. A ton of things and scenarios run through my mind. i want to be good for Him in all of them. i don't want to disappoint Him, and i want to make sure that He still wants me as His after. i am not being dramatic when i say that i could not bare to loose Him.

That being said, i feel a little bit better today with my connection with Him. It's been hard, like i stated, with the bad weekend and then Him being gone yesterday. Granted i understand, and He did make a good point. If He isn't well, how can He take care of me? i do know all of that, but it still doesn't make me miss Him any less.

Just one of those eb and flow weeks. It's okay because i know it will get better. Maste always makes everything better.

9.1.15 Day with out Him

He probably knows i am going to say something about being without Him today but i can't help it.

He is not feeling well and has taken the day off from everything. i understand and want Him better, but it really stinks after the really bad weekend we had. Eb and flow i suppose.

Not that i'm without Him, but i can imagine how numb i would get after a long period of time. Just moving through my day, no feeling. Wearing a face. One day after the next all running into each other.

Blah!